From the Top: part 1
This is my story; this is my song: praising my Savior, all the day long.
“Where did it all begin?”
What a question. It is hard to summarize a story of God’s goodness of 15+ years. Over the next few posts, I would love to clue you in. My prayer is that it is an encouragement, and points only to the One Who is writing it all: my Lord and Savior; the Rock on which I stand; my Strength when I am weak.
My story with music doesn’t begin wrapped up in a pretty bow. In fact, it is pretty long, pretty sad, and at first glance can appear pretty broken. It can be hard to hear and hard to tell.
In 2011 my family was torn apart as my parents went through a brutal divorce. To be clear, my mom didn’t have much choice. I will always have the image burned in my mind - getting into our van to drive away from the last house I knew my family as it was. I didn’t cope well or understand how to process things and battled much more anger than a child should. Enter, piano lessons.
My mom had a sweet friend, who she went to college with, who taught me piano- and suddenly, though it wasn’t said, I had a place that revealed my broken, fragile heart without words. Looking back I can see where it saved me from so much- the pre-teen years were quite intense as I struggled with harmful actions…and piano gave me something to do with my hands. In a sense, it also gave me purpose- to know and reflect my Creator through my own creation at those keys.
And, it turns out I wasn’t so bad at it, either. I was deathly afraid of being in front of people, and terrified to talk (I will never forget the day I spoke in my 1st grade class, with my peers saying “we didn’t think you could talk!”) But, somewhere behind the biggest instrument created, I found some kind of courage and strength. Really, I think it was there all along, but I didn’t see it anywhere other than that bench. I was provided the opportunity to perform many times a year and scored the highest levels possible, and later began to compete and place in regional and national competitions. Only a loving God could guide my fingers…because I was just terrified.
Growing up, I didn’t have a piano to practice on. Honestly, we were lucky if the tuition payment was made, and though my mom worked several jobs at once, I’m not sure I would have continued with lessons had it not been for my grandparents and the grace of my teacher. So, I did all I knew to do: pray. I prayed and prayed for a piano of my own, picturing just a little digital one to practice on.
Given that we couldn’t get a piano, we also didn’t have resources for other instruments. My 5th grade year, we were required to pick orchestra, choir, or band. Because I had already been given individual vocal coaching through our music teacher by way of landing solos at school performances, I desperately wanted orchestra…but again, it was more than what we could afford. God blessed me with a very kind orchestra director who allowed me to use an extra violin, and by God’s grace I became 1st chair quickly. I went into middle school hopeful and excited, and though I couldn’t continue with orchestra without my own instrument, I returned to choir for my 6th grade year.
My choir director was a completely different story than my music teachers in the past. I’m sure in some ways she meant well, but I left her class crying more often than not, and the final straw was pulled when she asked me to stop trying out for solos because I had a terrible voice, in her words. That stuck with me and I didn’t sing much after that, but thankfully remained in piano. This was a huge blessing and again more of a therapeutic outlet as we walked through my young uncle's murder.
One fall day when I was 13, I walked into our basement ‘apartment’ and found the biggest blessing of all: a baby grand piano, sitting right there. I had been present with my mom when a local church announced they were just giving it away, so she and a family friend figured out how to get it there for me. I learned that day the truth that God answers the prayers of His children…and that you can become a little better when you can actually practice!
With my own piano to practice on, I began to discover a love for worship music and hymns. My lesson times never afforded much time for fun things; we were quite busy making up for a week of no practice. I tried out for the middle school worship team at my church and was told no three years in a row. By the third year I was incredibly discouraged and had given up early in my 8th grade year.
By spring of that same year, my mom sent me to a church camp. I couldn’t tell you much of that weekend, other than the last sermon on Saturday night. Somewhere in there I began to realize the performances, high scores, and ribbons were okay….but I didn’t want anything else that didn’t give God glory. During the song ‘King of my heart’ I felt a very clear instruction from the Lord to try out for the worship team my freshman year.
So, I did. I hope I never forget that day. On a late September day of my freshman year of high school, I walked into our church with the worship leader. She introduced me to one of the other team members (who is one of my best friends today…having friends from high school is humbling in a special way haha!!) and walked me to the piano. We sat down and she handed me a chord chart….and I can only imagine the blank stare I gave her! I had never seen a chord chart before, but had only read sheet music.
She patiently walked me through reading a chart and wrapped up by having a conversation with our high school pastor. I remember walking out knowing I had been obedient and yet confident I was not to the skill level they needed and would not be invited on the team. However, as He does, God opened amazing doors.
I made the team and on top of that, this sweet young woman wanted to mentor me. I have vivid, fond memories of my first time at Starbucks with her as we read Pricilla Schrier’s ‘Discerning the Voice of God’ and learning the ins and outs of Planning Center Online. She pulled strings once again and the church bought my in-ear’s to use (which I still have and use today) along with her countless hours of teaching me the basics of guitar. She was a huge part of my growth in my faith and continued to pour into me in some of the hardest points of my life. I am beyond thankful for her and the way God used her to radically change my life.
Her time at the church came to a close and new staff was brought in. My home life became incredibly rocky as my mom went through a second abusive marriage and divorce, and I was thankful for the refuge and ‘second family’ my high school worship team provided me. The new staff was not a replacement for my mentor, but were used by God in my life in special ways, to include asking me to be the Worship & Media Arts Intern my junior year. That year changed my life and I am forever grateful for it, as it prepared me professionally for my first job as a piano teacher…but also personally as I was unknowingly walking into the biggest, longest storm of my life.
That’s part one! Here soon, part two will be up.
God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.
You are so loved!