From the Top: part 1

This is my story; this is my song: praising my Savior, all the day long.

“Where did it all begin?”

What a question. It is hard to summarize a story of God’s goodness of 15+ years. Over the next few posts, I would love to clue you in. My prayer is that it is an encouragement, and points only to the One Who is writing it all: my Lord and Savior; the Rock on which I stand; my Strength when I am weak.

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My story with music doesn’t begin wrapped up in a pretty bow. In fact, it is pretty long, pretty sad, and at first glance can appear pretty broken. It can be hard to hear and hard to tell.

In 2011 my family was torn apart as my parents went through a brutal divorce. To be clear, my mom didn’t have much choice. I will always have the image burned in my mind - getting into our van to drive away from the last house I knew my family as it was. I didn’t cope well or understand how to process things and battled much more anger than a child should. Enter, piano lessons.

My mom had a sweet friend, who she went to college with, who taught me piano- and suddenly, though it wasn’t said, I had a place that revealed my broken, fragile heart without words. Looking back I can see where it saved me from so much- the pre-teen years were quite intense as I struggled with harmful actions…and piano gave me something to do with my hands. In a sense, it also gave me purpose- to know and reflect my Creator through my own creation at those keys. 

And, it turns out I wasn’t so bad at it, either. I was deathly afraid of being in front of people, and terrified to talk (I will never forget the day I spoke in my 1st grade class, with my peers saying “we didn’t think you could talk!”) But, somewhere behind the biggest instrument created, I found some kind of courage and strength. Really, I think it was there all along, but I didn’t see it anywhere other than that bench. I was provided the opportunity to perform many times a year and scored the highest levels possible, and later began to compete and place in regional and national competitions. Only a loving God could guide my fingers…because I was just terrified. 

Growing up, I didn’t have a piano to practice on. Honestly, we were lucky if the tuition payment was made, and though my mom worked several jobs at once, I’m not sure I would have continued with lessons had it not been for my grandparents and the grace of my teacher. So, I did all I knew to do: pray. I prayed and prayed for a piano of my own, picturing just a little digital one to practice on. 

Given that we couldn’t get a piano, we also didn’t have resources for other instruments. My 5th grade year, we were required to pick orchestra, choir, or band. Because I had already been given individual vocal coaching through our music teacher by way of landing solos at school performances, I desperately wanted orchestra…but again, it was more than what we could afford. God blessed me with a very kind orchestra director who allowed me to use an extra violin, and by God’s grace I became 1st chair quickly. I went into middle school hopeful and excited, and though I couldn’t continue with orchestra without my own instrument, I returned to choir for my 6th grade year. 

My choir director was a completely different story than my music teachers in the past. I’m sure in some ways she meant well, but I left her class crying more often than not, and the final straw was pulled when she asked me to stop trying out for solos because I had a terrible voice, in her words. That stuck with me and I didn’t sing much after that, but thankfully remained in piano. This was a huge blessing and again more of a therapeutic outlet as we walked through my young uncle's murder. 

One fall day when I was 13, I walked into our basement ‘apartment’ and found the biggest blessing of all: a baby grand piano, sitting right there. I had been present with my mom when a  local church announced they were just giving it away, so she and a family friend figured out how to get it there for me. I learned that day the truth that God answers the prayers of His children…and that you can become a little better when you can actually practice! 

With my own piano to practice on, I began to discover a love for worship music and hymns. My lesson times never afforded much time for fun things; we were quite busy making up for a week of no practice. I tried out for the middle school worship team at my church and was told no three years in a row. By the third year I was incredibly discouraged and had given up early in my 8th grade year. 

By spring of that same year, my mom sent me to a church camp. I couldn’t tell you much of that weekend, other than the last sermon on Saturday night. Somewhere in there I began to realize the performances, high scores, and ribbons were okay….but I didn’t want anything else that didn’t give God glory. During the song ‘King of my heart’ I felt a very clear instruction from the Lord to try out for the worship team my freshman year. 

So, I did. I hope I never forget that day. On a late September day of my freshman year of high school, I walked into our church with the worship leader. She introduced me to one of the other team members (who is one of my best friends today…having friends from high school is humbling in a special way haha!!) and walked me to the piano. We sat down and she handed me a chord chart….and I can only imagine the blank stare I gave her! I had never seen a chord chart before, but had only read sheet music. 

She patiently walked me through reading a chart and wrapped up by having a conversation with our high school pastor. I remember walking out knowing I had been obedient and yet confident I was not to the skill level they needed and would not be invited on the team. However, as He does, God opened amazing doors. 

I made the team and on top of that, this sweet young woman wanted to mentor me. I have vivid, fond memories of my first time at Starbucks with her as we read Pricilla Schrier’s ‘Discerning the Voice of God’ and learning the ins and outs of Planning Center Online. She pulled strings once again and the church bought my in-ear’s to use (which I still have and use today) along with her countless hours of teaching me the basics of guitar. She was a huge part of my growth in my faith and continued to pour into me in some of the hardest points of my life. I am beyond thankful for her and the way God used her to radically change my life. 

Her time at the church came to a close and new staff was brought in. My home life became incredibly rocky as my mom went through a second abusive marriage and divorce, and I was thankful for the refuge and ‘second family’ my high school worship team provided me. The new staff was not a replacement for my mentor, but were used by God in my life in special ways, to include asking me to be the Worship & Media Arts Intern my junior year. That year changed my life and I am forever grateful for it, as it prepared me professionally for my first job as a piano teacher…but also personally as I was unknowingly walking into the biggest, longest storm of my life.

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That’s part one! Here soon, part two will be up.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.

You are so loved! 

Sunflowers, Seasons, and Storms

Did you know August 1 is national sunflower day? I didn’t, but it made me smile, and seemed like a great time to share some thoughts from earlier this summer! 

“What is there to do at a sunflower festival…”

Trying to hide the confusion, my friend looked at me, head tilted sideways. 

“Honestly, no clue. But there’s fields and fields of sunflowers, so that can only be a good thing in my world” was my quick reply. It was met with a laugh, but the question stayed with me all day.

I now had a new mission: to figure out what, in fact, there really is to do at a sunflower festival.

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A few hours later I arrived to pick up my friend who came up with this side quest. She arranged this outing for us; at this point I was just there to fulfill my new mission. While I waited in her driveway to head out, a thought crossed my mind. 

“Give me 10 cool facts about sunflowers” was the prompt I typed into my phone. As a former educator, I love learning; and I knew if nothing else I could randomly start spewing facts out if the heat was drying up any laughs later in the day. 

As I briefly skimmed sunflower facts, something I didn’t know captured my attention: heliotropism. 

Heliotropism is the directional growth or movement of a plant in response to the Sun's position in the sky. The term comes from the Greek words helios (Sun) and tropos (turn). 

Specifically, young sunflowers are known for this: before flowering, young sunflower buds face east in the morning and follow the Sun westward during the day. At night, they gradually turn back to the east, ready for sunrise. Once the flower matures, it usually remains facing east rather than continuing to track the Sun.

So, sunflowers kinda float with the wind (or the sun) before they flower. Interesting. 

Ever feel like you’re just following the sun, just for it to set and for you to turn around and do it again? Meanwhile, you’re watching everyone else mature and bloom. 

I know I have. 

As I have continued studying this, I have come to understand that there are a few different types of heliotropism (unofficially.) 

Positive heliotropism: The plant or its leaves/flowers turn toward the Sun to maximize sunlight. This helps increase photosynthesis and can keep flowers warmer, which may attract pollinators.

So really, this tracking with the sun is leading to their maturity. In fact, it's generally an adaptation that helps the plant survive. 

Somewhere in those sunflower fields, within my racing mind, I was reminded of Ecclesiastes 3:1-8: 

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:

a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
a time to tear, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace.

For every season…

Heliotropism kinda sounds like the preparing seasons, to me. Those times where we feel like we are running in circles, waiting, sleeping, and running in the same circles again. They feel pointless and intentional, all at the same time. Faith is tested, exhaustion is felt, and tears or anger probably surfaces. The storms of life are hard, so how do we make it though? 

God promises these seasons have purpose. 

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. (James 1:2-4 ESV) 

Did you know, a fully mature sunflower can endure storms of 30-40mph winds with minimal damage? Sunflowers are also resilient: if a sunflower is bent but not broken, it may partially straighten over several days, especially if gently staked. The word in James for ‘steadfastness’ translates literally from the Greek to ‘endurance’- just what sunflowers need to withstand storms. 

Did you catch that part about resiliency? If supported, bent sunflowers usually revive after a particularly rough storm. Who is your support after particularly rough storms? 

Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not abide in me, he is thrown away like a branch and withers; and the branches are gathered, thrown into the fire, and burned.

John 15:4-6 (ESV) reminds me of the support. Sunflowers certainly do not survive the storm because of the flower, but rather the strength of the stalk the flower rests in. In other plants, the branches are just an extension of how strong the vine is- and Jesus is the One and only vine for a truly abundant, mature, beautiful life. 

I hope next time you see a sunflower, you think of it a little differently. Remember they can withstand so much; and in Christ you can too for His glory. 

If you get the chance, go to a sunflower festival. I bet my friend didn’t have any idea the path their question sent me down…but what a beautiful lesson from a beautiful, strong flower.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.

You are so loved!